dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
