Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize