yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
