i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
