he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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