Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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