you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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