so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
