she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
