I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
