Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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