Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
