Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
