Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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