So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
