My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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