i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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