so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
