Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
