Moan for me like Helen Keller
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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