he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
