i always forget guys have bellybuttons
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
