evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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