I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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