I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
