Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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