he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
