Betty ford says i'm here all night
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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