i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
