nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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