That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
