look no pants
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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