I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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