i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
