Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
this is an emotional support booty call
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
