im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
