Your face is a jimmy john
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
