You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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