I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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