yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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