Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
