HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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