I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
