There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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