I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
