PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
