considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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