Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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