i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
