I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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