I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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