so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
