So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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