i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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