I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
sarcasm needs its own font
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
