The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
