shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
