tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
