Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
