I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
