Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
