Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
