I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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