I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
