I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
